"LUCK IS A MATTER OF PREPARATION MEETING OPPORTUNITY!"

...Oprah Winfrey

  DOES VACUUMING COUNT...

As aerobic exercise?

A MAN'S HOME IS
  HIS CASTLE...

Until the queen arrives!

  LIFE IS UNCERTAIN...

Eat dessert first!

MOST MEN ARE
  LIKE BUSSES...

They have spare tires and smell funny!

  I WANT IT ALL...

And I want it delivered!

  I MARRIED MR. RIGHT...

Mr. Always Right!

  SHE WHO DIES WITH THE
  MOST SHOES WINS!

SOMETIMES I WAKE
  UP GRUMPY...

Other times I let him sleep!

W.W.M.D.

(What would Martha do?)

I TAUGHT MARTHA
  EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS...

  IT'S NOT EASY...

Being a princess!

WHEN I FIRST
  STARTED WORKING...

I used to dream of the day when I might
be earning the salary I'm starving on now!

WOMEN DO NOT COME
  WITH INSTRUCTIONS...

Just ask them!

  HERE'S TO GOOD WOMEN...

May we know them. May we be them.
May we raise them!

THE AVERAGE WOMAN WOULD
RATHER HAVE BEAUTY THAN
BRAINS...

Because the average man can see better
than he can think!

  SEMPER UBI SUB UBI...

(Always wear underwear!)

I DIDN'T DRIVE MY
  HUSBAND CRAZY...

I flew him there! It was faster!

  THE FLOORS ARE CLEAN,
  THE PLACE IS NEAT...

If I were you, I'd wipe my feet!

  SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE BUG...

And some days you're the windshield!

I DON'T SUFFER FROM
  INSANITY...

I love every minute of it!

  GOD CREATED ADAM...

Saw the mistake, and created Eve!

PLEASE BE PATIENT, I ONLY
  WORK HERE BECAUSE...

I am too old for a paper route,
Too young for social security,
and too tired to have an affair!

  I GET ENOUGH EXERCISE...

Just pushing my luck!

  SO MANY MEN...

So few who can afford me!

WHY DO LITTLE BOYS WHINE?

They're practicing to be men!

  BORN TO BE...

Half an hour late!

SOMETIMES I THINK I
UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING
ABOUT BEING A WOMAN...

Then I regain consciousness!

WHY DO DOCTORS SLAP
BABIES FANNIES RIGHT
AFTER THEY'RE BORN?

To knock the penises off the smart ones!

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN BIG FOOT AND AN
INTELLIGENT MAN?

Big Foot has been spotted several times!

  NEXT MOOD SWING...

Six minutes!

MY MOST SECRET FANTASY
  IS HAVING TWO MEN...

One cooking, the other cleaning!

  I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN...

And, I have a gun!

  PMS...

The only time of the month I can be myself!

IF YOU THINK MY CAT IS
  POORLY TRAINED...

You ought to see my husband!

  MEN ARE NOT PIGS...

Pigs are gentle, sensitive,
and intelligent animals!

  I'M NOT BOSSY...

I just have better ideas!

HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE
TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?

One...he just holds it up there and waits
for the world to revolve around him!

WHAT DO YOU CALL THE
USELESS PIECE OF SKIN ON
THE END OF A MAN'S PENIS?

His body!

WHAT DO YOU CALL A
HANDCUFFED MAN?

Trustworthy!