It鈥檚 common knowledge that Flagstaff is a fine city for fairs and traveling carnivals, chock full of fried food, glimmering thrill rides and adorable critters to pet, but we here down in the Masters of Brewtality crypt prefer another, less attended night out.
Once a year, and only under a blood moon, a creaking procession of caravans stops on the outskirts of town, just beyond the same dilapidated cemetery where we spin our columns, and begs entrance from the few that already know where to find it. Naturally, the MOB staff is beloved every time because we always bring the finest of boozy treats to share with the humble travelers of this circus of the doomed.
This month, we made our way to the very back, past the freak shows, medical oddities, brothels, and tattoo parlors to visit our favorite medium, Madame Lazonga. She鈥檚 been a dear friend and respected soothsayer for the freaks and geeks down here in the crypt for many years now, and we managed to catch her just in time for what are sure to be some of the most chillingly accurate predictions for the year 2024. What follows comes straight to you, dear reader, directly from the mists swirling in her crystal ball鈥�
Masters of Brewtality: Madame Lazonga, for 2024, what beer trends can we expect to see gaining traction?
Madame Lazonga: I see in the mists that 2024 will bring us a return to beer that actually tastes like beer. Gone are the ways of the haze, and the people have soured on the smoothie sour. The masses lust for a crispy Pilsner, and those that imbibe them will achieve great serenity. Also, drunkenness.
MOB: That鈥檚 cool. We like that stuff. Do you have any styles recommended for getting through the winter, though? We do love a pils at any time, but something with a little heft might soothe our troubled souls during the cold season here in Flagstaff.
ML: This winter, I predict the rise of the red, red as the blood moon that illuminates the sky this very night. Its mix of roasted barley and toffee flavors will bring joy to these frigid nights. And you won鈥檛 have the Beer Gods mock you for drinking ambers, which are apparently only for suburban dads now.
MOB: Wait, ambers are a suburban dad style now? The only children we have down here in the crypt are the children of the night, ala Dracula. Is it wrong to still love ambers?
ML: Look, I just read the mists in the ball. Next question.
MOB: Fair enough. For the year 2024, what will the next big cocktail be?
ML: This next cycle around the sun will see the rise of the spicy cocktail. Bloody Mary鈥檚, Dirty Martinis and the indomitable Spicy Frosty Margarita. With the grim days of the tastebud killing plague still haunting us, the people need heat to resurrect their COVID shattered palettes. I also see the power of infused ice coming to the frontlines of cocktail culture. Herb-infused cubes and frozen coffee spheres will fall into everything you drink, replacing the smoke domes of yesteryear.
MOB: We liked the smoked cocktails, though. They made us feel fancy. Will鈥�
ML: SILENCE! The mists are telling me it鈥檚 a giant pain for bartenders, and they鈥檇 rather not spend an additional ten minutes indulging Tik Tok trends this year. In fact, no one wants to indulge any internet trend this year and that stupidity needs to stop.
MOB: That raw truth is exactly why we come here! Oh, great oracle, what can we expect in other drinking trends in the upcoming year?
ML: The mists grow darker with that inquiry, and we are treading upon unholy grounds. The stranglehold of wimpy seltzers will continue, despite a steady decline in sales over the last few years, and the industry will begin catering to that which drinkers find most blasphemous鈥� Non-alcoholic wines and cocktails for fancy dinner pairings.
MOB: Nooooooooo! You can鈥檛 party with those! You can鈥檛! Why, why have you forsaken us with your cruel visions?
ML: It gets worse, weary beer writer鈥� The alcohol industry will see an influx of CBD and THC infused drinks the likes of which will just put people to sleep instead of shaking their booties until last call. Conversations will become awkward, and instead of stomping through life with alcohol-fueled joy and confidence, the bar goers will be silenced with paranoia and unwarranted introspection. Conversations from a decade ago will torment their psyches and fear will rule their souls.
MOB: Seems about right though, we鈥檙e not much for the reefer down here in the crypt. This seems kind of glib, is there any hope for hardcore party animals in the upcoming year?
ML: Yopo.
MOB: What?
ML: Yopo. The mists are receding, what is your final question?
MOB: Uhh, okay. Is there anything good and righteous coming up soon?
ML: There are but two grand events in the near future. One, is the BrewHaHa on Jan. 27 at the Orpheum Theater. There are over 100 craft brews, seltzers, cocktails, wines and meads available to sample and any connoisseurs that miss this will be cursed with FOMO until the next one. And, on Feb. 25th, there is the ABV Dinner to benefit veterans at the Elks Lodge. Tickets may be sold out already, but keep an ear to the ground in case of cancellations. This beer and gourmet food pairing is one of the most fiendishly delicious events in the state.
MOB: Our deepest thanks, Madame Lazonga. Your insight and wisdom is always a display of kindness we rarely see down here in the crypt.
ML: That鈥檒l be $150.
Naturally, we didn鈥檛 have nearly enough for that, so the MOB staff wound up shoveling Lobster Boy鈥檚 manure for the next six hours, all the while haunted by Madame Lazonga鈥檚 predictions. Here鈥檚 to the next year, may she be wrong on the rough and right on righteous! Cheers!