365betÌåÓýÔÚÏßÊÀ½ç±­

The freaks and geeks down here in the Masters of Brewtality crypt aren’t what you might call the fanciest of folks. Some of our staff members have strange, unnatural deformities, not limited to prominent warts, tentacles and third legs, and, thus, we tend to get treated pretty poorly by the above-ground world. The case was not the same this month. 

It was a beautiful Tuesday afternoon, and we hopped in the official MOB souped-up monster truck hearse for a breakneck run down the hill from Flagstaff to one of the most overlooked spots here in northern Arizona: Page Springs. Nestled between Sedona and Cottonwood, this is easily one of the most picturesque green belts in the entire state, fed by the creatively named Page Springs spring and Oak Creek.

Our connection there was winemaker Bree Nation, who had promised a VIP tour of the grounds, and we couldn’t have been more excited. The lobby was filled from the greeter’s stand to the front door shoulder-to-shoulder, standing room only, with wine connoisseurs from regions the likes of which we knew we would never truly understand. This was as far out of our element as we could be, but, thankfully, we were immediately swooped up from the back of the line and taken to a private tasting room as affluent jaws hit the floor. Sometimes, rarely, you get a taste of the good life and, like the fine red and white wines we were about to sample, it must be cherished and quaffed deeply. If you were to ask any of us to name a single wine we sampled, we wouldn’t be able to. The lights of clarity went off after the second small glass and that, dear reader, is why Masters of Brewtality will give Page Springs Cellars our official “Hard Partier� badge.  

After a couple bottles in our secluded sunroom, Bree took us down to the barrel room. Many a bunghole was ravaged, as she and head winemaker Corey crawled over towering racks of wine barrels in various stages of the aging process. Each was dazzling in its own way, and we relished the opportunity to use the term “bunghole� over and over again because we are adults and can use adult words without bursting into uproarious laughter. We did giggle every time, though. 

It needs to be clarified that we’re about as far from wine connoisseurs as anyone can get and, beyond the knowledge gained during a single wine and cheese pairing class we took fifteen years ago, we couldn’t tell you the difference between red and white wine other than they come in different colors. Thankfully, that single class did teach us just enough so that when we found ourselves surrounded by knowledgeable enthusiasts, we managed to fake it for the most part.

And that’s what we’d recommend you do too, when, like us, life takes you out of your usual comfort zone, which in our case is craft beer, and plunks you square into the viper’s nest that is artisan wine. Our best tips are to swirl the wine in the glass. This aerates the wine and brings its flavors out while making you look really cool and educated. Second, hold the wine up after swirling and look at the drops of wine that have cascaded down the sides of the interior of the glass.  You’ll want to call them “legs� because that’s what they are actually called amongst wine people and using their jargon will ingrain you to them further.  Make sure you hold the wine up to a light source to appreciate the color. This will also increase the chances of others around you doing the same, but with lights in their eyes, they won’t be able to see how hopelessly out of your element you are. Finally, take a good, long smell. Like, real deep, but don’t snort any wine into your nose, it’s not that kind of place. Throw a couple buzzwords in, like “strong notes� and whatever fruit comes to mind first. You can even just lie outright and if you do it with confidence, no one will disagree because maybe you’ve got some superhero’s palette and are just that good. I think we described at least two different wines as having notes of Etruscan Hardwood, which sounded really cool and no one said anything about. Nailed it!

Follow this advice, and you should be able to be a beer person blending with wine folks, provided you don’t talk too much. Which is hard because wine is definitely a chatty drunk. All in all, we can’t recommend visiting Page Springs Cellars enough. It was a fantastic day of opulence and fun. The vineyard and surrounding countryside alone is worth checking out and the service was top notch. The food was an outstanding compliment to the litany of flavors we experienced, they had some live music which was graciously not overly intrusive to the experience, and being able to walk the grounds and see every ingredient as it was being cultivated expanded the experience perfectly. A huge thanks to Bree and Cory and the rest of fine folks at Page Springs for making us feel right at home, despite being as novice as you can be. Until next month, boils and ghouls, stay creepy!